Ever work for someone who thought leadership was defined by an exclamation point? Ever get confused by your own leadership style and whether you should get folks to follow you through a series of statements ending with periods? Is there a reason I’m beginning this post using only question marks? Hmmm?

We can get caught up in the notion that a leader has to be commanding…commanding in a sense where you’re slinging around words, phrases, and sentences ending with an exclamation point (my daughter likes to call them ‘shoutty marks’). It might sound something like this:

“Bailey! Come here! And explain to me why our customer is pissed off!!!”

Or perhaps, more often, we simply issue those commands with a bit more subtlety. Something like:

“Chris. Please come to my office and tell me what’s going on with our customer.”

Another option? Yep. How about using that wonderful creation, the question mark?

“Chris? What happened to make this customer so angry? And what’s your plan for making this right?

The first option isn’t going to win you any leader-of-the-year awards while the second might get you an honorable mention. The third one, though, leads to the gold medal round. The key is to get curious, which isn’t always easy or even the first thing we think of doing when something important is on the line.

Ask…is there something to learn here? And not just for you, but the folks you lead. By asking questions, you’re helping them learn from their own experiences. What may seem like an initial failure can turn into new opportunities. Use open questions (those that don’t lead directly to a ‘yes’ or ‘no’ answer).

Finally, all of this isn’t to say there are not times when every leader must emphasize their words with an exclamation point or nudge folks with a period. It’s just important to remember that questions are an essential part of a leader’s repertoire.

Via David Gammel at High Context Consulting, I came across this fantastic article from Joel Spolsky called Seven Steps to Remarkable Customer Service. I really don’t know much about Joel’s company, Fog Creek Software, but if his article is any indication of what it would be like to be his customer, I’ll be giving his products a thorough review.

What’s compelling about the article itself is Joel’s way of making his points through stories. He could just say, “Here’s what you should do to create remarkable customer service,” but he goes further to give real-life examples of what works and what doesn’t work. Like the time he visited the locksmith or the time he overheard a customer complaint in a diner.

Check out Joel’s (bonus) step eight: Give customer service people a career path. Radical indeed when you consider that customer service staff are usually stuck at the bottom of the corporate hierarchy and payscale.

If your organization’s customer service needs a tune-up or a complete overhaul, take a look at how one company is changing the rules to build a better experience for it’s customers and employees.

Thanks, David.

One of my daily reads is ProBlogger simply for Darren Rowse’s terrific advice for how to blog better. I’m in the process of implementing many of his tips so be on the lookout for some improvements in the next few weeks.

One of Darren’s posts yesterday caught my attention, not because of his blogging advice, but because of a more powerful reminder about what to do when you get some hate and anger thrown in your direction. Consider this insight that Darren gained from a Buddhist monk:

When someone attacks you with anger and hatred say to them:
“thank you for your ‘gift’ – but I think you can keep it for yourself.”

It is easy to take on the anger of other people and to wear it as a burden of your own but it is usually unhealthy to do so.

Anger and hatred directed at you by another person is their anger and hatred and not yours. While they may wish for you to take it upon yourself – ultimately it’s a ‘gift’ that would be better not received.

I tend to have strong empathic qualities. If a co-worker, customer, or my wife gets angry, I sometimes have difficulty not getting wrapped up in their emotions. But remembering that the emotion is theirs to own and give away and I have a choice as to whether I accept it is a liberating concept.

Today, Management-Issues comments on a recent report produced by Robert Half International and CareerBuilder.com which says that employees trust their manager more than their senior executives. Yep. Not a lot of surprises there. Just consider the number of interactions between an employee’s manager compared to their VP or CEO. Put to a ratio, it’s going to lean heavily in the direction of the employee’s manager. This is the failing of the traditional organizational hierarchy and there is no cure for this problem until that wonderful little thing called the org chart shifts from vertical to horizontal.

The old, old-school mindset of command and control is always about getting other people to do what you want them to do. If your organization’s still hung up on this old chestnut, how’s it working out for you? Employees don’t want to do what their boss says to do. After all, is their boss on the phone with a customer who needs a solution to their problem now? No, most employees (or at least the ones you want to keep around) want to do what they need to do to get things done. They need to know that their manager AND their executives understand this and are willing to do whatever it takes to support this initiative. This involves the element of trust and the only way you gain and share trust is through a strong relationship. Which means that most of our corporate executives need to get out from behind their desks, open up some of the time on their calendar normally reserved for meeting with the media, corporate partners, etc., and visit their employees.

Here are three common reservations that executives have:

I’m too busy running the organization or my part of the organization. No kidding. So is everyone else in the company. Think that your call center staff is just sitting around with nothing to do? Think your marketing team hones their solitaire playing skills on company time? Then, you definitely need to visit. More than likely, you’ll find that they’re busy helping you run the organization, as well.

And here’s the kicker: it doesn’t need to be an all-day marathon task. It can take as little as five minutes. Rosa Say has a great model called the Daily Five which is well worth learning and building into your schedule.

I’m (secretly) scared of what I might find. Yeah, it might be painful to hear about the challenges of the day-to-day work. You might find that your employees don’t respect you. It’s called feedback and can help you grow. Some day it might actually save your job.

I don’t need to visit…that’s why I have management. Your department heads and junior management can’t replace you. If you strive to be a leader, be a visible leader. Else, you’re merely a puppet master using your managers to initiate commands.

And don’t rely on your junior management to build rapport for you. Middle management is always in an awkward position and it’s only made harder when the senior executives and ground staff don’t have good relationships. If your employees trust you as CEO, then they’re far less likely to go to their immediate supervisor and complain that the latest initiative from headquarters is full of shit. If they know you and trust you, they’ll either try to understand and move on or feel free to tell you directly that it’s shit. That’s the kind of frankness that every manager should strive for, right?

No one ever said that building relationships was easy. But here’s the thing: strong , open relationships are not just the glue of today’s organizations, they are the lubricant. Friction is a fact of life whenever you put two people together. That friction only multiplies when adding more and more individuals to the group. But relationships built on honest communications and trust keep the inner workings moving smoothly instead of grinding to a halt.

The BBC had an interesting article yesterday called Why are Dutch children so happy? that went on to explain why the Netherlands was at the top of a recently published Child Wellbeing Report produced by UNICEF. (By the way, the United States – perhaps unsurprisingly – rates pretty much near the bottom compared to Europe and Canada). The lead-in to the article reads:

Dutch children have been rated the most fortunate children in Europe. Their parents go out of their way to please them, and teachers expect less of them than some of their European counterparts.

Well, that’s not exactly how the UNICEF report portrays the Netherlands, but does raise some interesting questions when we think not only about our own children (regardless of which country you call home) but own lives at work. How much is our own happiness tied to having things go our way? Can there be happiness in our challenges and struggles?

Let’s take this example from the BBC article:

18-year-old Ysbrand, a student in Helmond near Eindhoven, says this picture matched his childhood. He says that his parents spent a lot of time with him when he was younger. His mother stayed at home while his father worked.

But, he said the contrast when you get to 18 can be something of a shock.

“Now I’m left to look after myself,” he told the BBC News website. “My parents say that I need to care for myself and to be independent. It’s hard. I don’t have much money as a student and to go out is expensive. Beer, for example, is very expensive in the Netherlands.”

By focusing on what will make us happy right now, we postpone possible future pain. Not that we shouldn’t aim for joy in our life, but we need to be honest with ourselves and consider whether our present experience – even if it does suck – won’t make us a better person down the road. Sometimes we need to unhappy in order to learn how to be happy. I can certainly remember painful experiences in my life that were hellish in their own special way, but in reflection I’m so glad that they were my experiences. I wouldn’t be half the person I am today without them.

And I hope this doesn’t seem like I’m picking on the Dutch. Frankly, I don’t think the example of Ysbrand above is all that different from some of the experiences I’ve seen from fellow parents here in the U.S. The desire to coddle and over-protect kids transcends borders and culture.

Today, we’re challenged to look at our own happiness and determine whether that happiness is real or is simply deferring pain for another time. Ask whether that graduate degree that might be challenging and even painful to undertake might lead to a better tomorrow for you. Ask whether the pain of quitting your job might not be the first step toward finding your own soulful work. Remember that happiness sometimes means taking the hard and painful path.

Be well.

For some good Tuesday humor that might conjure up images of Office Space, John West offers five ways to kill your career.

• Ignore deadlines
• Turn in sloppy work
• Make sure everyone knows you’re right
• Obfuscate your communication
• Always focus on #1

As John points out, it takes dedication and savvy to do this right. Constantly ignoring deadlines or consistently making poor presentations will only get you sent to your manager’s office for remedial training. Worse, you may get fired and then have to start over again somewhere else. It takes real talent and attentiveness to be a lousy employee yet still keep your job. Unless you want to get fired, right?

I’m not sure about you, but the Super Bowl ads this year sucked like nobody’s business. Can someone explain to me how you can justify spending all that money ($2.6 million by some counts) to get your name out there and produce such lousy, uninteresting, and tepid commercials? I usually enjoy the ads as much as the football – hell, there are times when the ads trump the actual game action for sheer entertainment value. This year though, the ad agencies must have all taken a vacation and left the work to a bunch of college interns.

Out of the bunch, it seemed like CareerBuilder.com at least made an effort. I do admit, however, I missed the chimps of old and was sad to see them go. I’m curious as to how they resonated with others. Take a peek at all three new ads and the older chimp ones here.

Do More Than Just Survive The Workweek. Each ad plays off our typical fears we have of a nightmare job:

Darts
“looking for volunteers for a training seminar” As sad as it is, most professional development and trainings are worth running from…even if there is an abyss on the other side. Only be concerned if your Director of Human Resources has a good aim.

Promotion Pit
“last one standing gets the promotion” Man, you know you work in a toxic organization when getting a promotion means you have to draw on your inner Russell Crowe and battle your shipping guy. Crafting a helmet from a three-ring binder seems to be a must.

Performance Review
“Mr Watson will see you know…please remove your shirt” Hot coals I think I can handle, maybe even the dozens of binder clips fastened to my upper torso. Super-wedgie from my boss? Nope. But then, I guess it’s better than the verbal teardowns that some employees get for their performance reviews. Folks, you know it’s bad when you’d rather get your underwear stretched over your head than have a sit-down with your manager. Maybe it is time to find a new job, eh?

I’m happy the Colts won. I like Tony Dungy and Peyton Manning. Of course, it would have been better to see my Steelers in it again.

And maybe I’m just a child of the 80s, but I thought Prince put on one hell of a halftime show. And how many can say they didn’t get a little shivery at his closing number of Purple Rain while the downpour continued in Miami? It’s an odd thing when the halftime show pretty much beat out the football and the commercials for entertainment value.

Things have been chaotic and emotional for our family over the past week. On Monday, my wife’s grandfather, J.W. Starr (known to his grandkids and great-grandkids affectionately as Papop), died at age 85 after a very sudden diagnosis of terminal cancer. Turns out the cancer had been incubating silently within him for a while only to make it’s full presence known at the end. The time from when we first heard the heartbreaking news to the moment he died was less than a week.

Fortunately, my wife scheduled a flight a couple of days before he died and arrived in time to see him and hold his hand one last time. Shortly after he died on Monday, Caroline called me and told me to pack up the kids for the 1000 mile drive from Austin to Albany, GA.

That long drive-time in the car sparked an internal dialogue and reflection on Papop’s remarkable life and the wonderful legacy he left for all of us. He taught us so many lessons just through his simple actions. He modeled the values he felt were most important without ever needing to preach. He gave us the blessing of showing us how to live.

Have the courage to follow your faith even when it may not make sense to others
When he was in his early twenties, Papop volunteered for the military and fought in World War II as a bomber pilot in the Pacific. But before he completed his pilot training, he made the fateful decision to propose to and marry the love of his life, Mary Smith (who we all now call Mimi). Mimi held on to the letter that Papop sent to his own parents announcing his intentions and in that letter he acknowledged that their decision to marry may not make sense to their parents. In particular, Mimi’s parents reasonably feared that she might find herself a war widow before their first anniversary. However, Papop had faith that this was the right decision and knew that it was their love that would bring him home safely. Papop and Mimi were married for 62 years and their relationship is known in our family as “The Great Romance.” Together, they offered a model of what a strong marriage is for all who knew them.

It’s never too late to find your passion
One of Papop’s great legacies is his artwork. His paintings can be found in each family member’s home as well as the homes of art collectors throughout Georgia. He primarily painted landscape scenes of his life: the beaches, lowlands, and marshes of South Carolina and Georgia. As we sorted through some of his unframed works in his attic studio this week, we also discovered some lesser known works, such as portraits and still-life. The amazing thing is that this passion didn’t come out until he was much older. When we asked Mimi about how Papop started painting, she told us a story that surprised all of us. When she was a schoolteacher she had to grade papers. At that time, Papop enjoyed watching television, but it was distracting to her papergrading. So Mimi bought him some paints and brushes and hoped that this less noisy diversion would keep him busy. Turns out it not only kept him busy, but unleashed a vibrant yet untapped talent that inspired him throughout the rest of his life.

Soulful work can last a lifetime
After returning from WWII, Papop continued his education by getting a Master’s degree in Social Work and served as the Director of The Family Service in High Point, NC and then worked for the Federal Probationary Office in Macon, GA. Eventually, he and Mimi came to Albany, GA in 1952 and there he worked in his father’s typewriter sales business. Not too long ago, he retired, but continued to work in the Career Development Office of a local college. He often told us that his work helping young college students figure out their future plans was the most fulfilling work that he had ever done. Papop also gave his time to his church community that meant so much to him. For Papop, work wasn’t something to be shunned or avoided, but something that gave meaning to his life. It was his way of sharing the blessings he had with others.

These are just highlights. Putting Papop’s life into a brief retrospective is nearly impossible, though my sister-in-law managed to do this in what must be one of the all-time great eulogies ever delivered.

We talk about living a full life with no regrets. We talk about how to live in service to others. We talk about leaving a legacy behind us. It’s a blessing to encounter a role model who shows us how to do these things with grace, love, and humility. By reflecting on their lives, we’re challenged to find the magic in each day, to give far more than we get in return, to be the type of individual who makes a positive impact on each person they encounter. One way of thinking about Papop that has stayed with me is that it didn’t matter whether you knew him for an hour or a lifetime, he left a lasting impression that made you want to be a better person.

We all miss him and were blessed to know him.

John Walter Starr (1922-2007)