Nothing new here, but sometimes it’s worth having a reminder about the corrosive effects of making assumptions. Assumptions are easy to make. I had to make two very rash assumptions last week before I became aware of what I was doing. Both involved me thinking that I had all the answers about other people. Never mind that I didn’t bother to talk with them first, it was just easier to put my own subjective frames around highly incomplete pictures.

I’m reminded of something Soren Kierkegaard wrote:

The majority of people are subjective toward themselves and objective toward all others, terribly objective sometimes, but the real task is, in fact, to be objective toward oneself and subjective toward all others.

I was fortunate that it only took two minor instances for me to remember this and that these assumptions didn’t lead to any true harm in my business relationships. I haven’t been as lucky in the past. 

Dealing with our own assumptions takes a vigilant awareness of our own thinking, which isn’t easy in our go-go everyday business experience. It requires us to be more curious about the world and people around us.

To deal with my own blindspots for making assumptions, I’ve written two questions on the whiteboard directly in front of my computer monitor to challenge me:

• What am I accepting as fact and not questioning?
• What other questions do I need to ask?

Kathy Sierra has some ideas on how to give our assumptions the “sniff test.” What about you? How do you deal with assumptions in your own life and work?

I’ve been a rather delinquent blogger lately and that’s been weighing heavily on me. Actually, kind of stressing me out. But I don’t think this is just a case of blog guilt…it seems to go deeper than that. It’s a feeling that I’ve been letting myself down, that I’ve been letting some of my own dreams and aspirations flitter away. There’s also a feeling that I’ve been ignoring some wonderful friends and not keeping up my end of our relationships. For the past few months, I haven’t been able to consciously figure out this block, but I sure have felt it in the pit of my stomach. Every time, that dark feeling has voiced this question: If the ideas behind Bailey WorkPlay (including this blog) and my relationships are so damn important, why am I unable to care for them anymore?

I haven’t been sleeping well lately and last night was no exception. I tossed and turned, not really able to fully relax. But somewhere in that strange state of twilight sleep I heard another voice which simply said: Be patient with yourself. Undoubtedly, my subconscious was able to break through the logjam and offer the help that my conscious mind could not. That was a few hours ago and I’ve been awake and contemplating the message ever since. All of which leads me to some insights that I hope find some resonance for you, too.

The harder we try to do something or the tighter we try to hold on to an idea, the more amorphous it can become. For me, I’ve been clinging to the notion that I should be able to do everything at the same level of intensity while forgetting that so much has actually changed in my life. New work, new home, a whole new zip code that’s 1500 miles from where I used to be. Change is good, but it can lead to unrealistic expectations of ourselves…an impatience when we don’t adapt immediately.

If you find yourself in full self-flagellation mode, give yourself permission to be patient. Be mindful of the ideas to which you’re rigidly clinging and get curious about what might happen if you released your grip even just a little. And consider a short mantra to help you through. Here’s mine for today:

Here I am. Being patient with me. Listening to my true inner voice. Knowing that I can restart again. Small acts are okay. Being patient with my humanness.

Be well and be patient.

Two posts in one day? Say it isn’t so. As the husband to a current stay-at-home mom, I thought this quote from Debra J. Dickerson in a recent Salon.com article was awesome:

Far be it for me to reduce Nancy Pelosi to merely the sum of the carpool miles she drove, but it took an extraordinary woman to do that and move on to become speaker of the House. To object to Pelosi’s inclusion of children in politics is to presume that an erstwhile stay-at-home mom brings nothing with her to public life from that experience, that she gained nothing from it, that child rearing is mere baby sitting, only keeping children alive till they can take care of themselves. In fact, it is an art and a science and it changes you. It grows you up. At a minimum, it teaches you just how many supposed grown-ups only need a good, long nap to be decent neighbors and co-workers.

All so true. And as someone on the hiring side of the table, I’ve never turned away a candidate coming back to work after staying at home with her children (haven’t interviewed a stay-at-home dad, but I guarantee the reverence is the same). The skills and experiences – mediator, project organizer, leader to name but a few – equate right into the working world.

If you’re a stay-at-home mom getting ready to reenter the working world, welcome back. We need you.

When you get positive feedback from your customers, which would you rather hear (or read):

You are a rock star!
or
You are a rock star because you helped me figure out how to solve this problem that’s been a major pain in the ass for months!
or
I feel like a rock star because you helped me figure out how to solve this problem that’s been a major pain in the ass for months!

That third option tends to throw us for a loop. I mean, how are you supposed to take a compliment when the giver focuses on themselves and how they feel. They should be giving you all the credit, right?

If that’s your thinking, then consider a different view. It’s always gratifying to hear how great we are. We want to feel appreciated, particularly after working to help someone else. And if you’re in the services industry and managing relationships, it’s beneficial to know that the work you do is making a difference for the customer. It’s useful feedback. But consider the ultimate purpose behind your helping action. Did you do it for your own gain or to truly help someone else?

Kathy Sierra puts this into the context of a user product review. The juicy bit is toward the bottom of her post:

We don’t want our users talking about the company or the product. All that matters is how they feel about themselves as a result of interacting with our product. How they feel about us has little impact on whether they’ll become loyal (let alone passionate) users. All that matters is what we’ve helped them do or be (emphasis mine).

That last sentence makes a huge difference in our interactions and relationships with our customers. It takes the notion of providing service and begins the transformation toward delivering value. Service is about what we do for others (me-focused). Value is what they get out of the transaction (you-focused).

This idea can even extrapolated out into different areas. Even if you don’t work with customers, consider its ramifications for other individuals in your life. Aim to create you-focused value when helping your kids or volunteering at a local soup kitchen. Remember that it truly is all about them.

Finally, use this as a template when it’s time to pass on feedback to someone else. If you start off a compliment with “You’re a rock star,” finish it off with specifically why they rock. And if you’re feeling adventurous and think the recipient will fully grasp your meaning, tell them “I feel like a rock star because…”